Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Floor bacon is actually really good
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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