so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Randomize
