i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
