OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
