the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
