I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
