I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
