oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
