omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
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