My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize