A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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