In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I am available for nakedness
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
