omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
