My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
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