Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
