i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Randomize