hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
