I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Naked Twister starts at high noon
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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