how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
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