I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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