I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
