The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
