i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Randomize
