We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
