someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
