My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
