I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
