Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
You're a womanizer and a bitch.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
