my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
don't judge my taste in strippers
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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