I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
