I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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