I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
