i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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