I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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