I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
