I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
