I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
this hospital has no fireball
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
