we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
