I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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