He asked to "fluff my boner.."
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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