I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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