Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
