Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
