The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
