The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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