Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
