Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize