god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
