My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Randomize
