I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
as a side note pls kill me
Randomize
