U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Dear god my vagina.
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