dude i'm inner monologue high
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
