I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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