She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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