what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
My life is pants optional.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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