Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Randomize
