Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
