I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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