Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Randomize
