So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
